When Your Friend's Wins Make You Feel Like You're Losing
Reader Question: "How do I navigate my own jealousy and competition in friendship, even when I logically know that their version of success is different from my own? I'm trying to reframe friendship so it doesn't revolve around some ambiguous 'best friend' hierarchy, but I have a fear of abandonment that makes me vigilant about losing a friendship to somebody else who could replace me."
It sounds like what's happening underneath the jealousy and competition is an unprocessed abandonment wound.
Before I go any further, here’s what's important to understand about that: the way a child or adolescent registers abandonment isn’t the same as we think of it as adults.
For a child, being left by their primary caregiver, even if it made sense, was with the best intentions, or out of necessity, most likely felt like abandonment (yes, even when things were explained to you). I’m referring to experiences like:
Your mother leaving you with your loving grandparents to pursue a better opportunity in another country.
Your father working constantly to provide for your family.
A sibling being born and taking the attention you used to have.
A caregiver being physically present but emotionally unavailable because they were depressed, overwhelmed, or dealing with their own trauma.
None of these things mean your parents didn't love you or didn't do their best. But your little nervous system didn't care about any of that. It only registered: I was left.
And because children are developmentally wired to make things about themselves, you probably internalized your caregiver's actions. You didn't think, "Mom left because she needed to work." You thought, “Dad left because there’s something wrong /deficient/not enough in me."
This is how injuries to your sense of self happen - it creates fractures or holes in the stories you tell yourself about yourself, and becomes the foundation for beliefs you don't even know you're carrying as an adult.
A Quick Reframe
You might be reading this and shaking your head because it doesn't sound like something you would consciously think. You’re partially right - it’s largely unconscious. Whether or not you’re aware of the injury abandonment caused, it’s painful.
As humans who are hardwired to protect ourselves from pain, we learn brilliant (but sometimes harmful) ways to protect ourselves from abandonment: scanning constantly for signs of withdrawal in others, comparing yourself to make sure you're "winning,” over-functioning to make yourself indispensable, hypervigilance about where you rank.
So when your friend gets close to someone else, or when they achieve something you're still working toward, it's not just triggering jealousy about the external situation.
It's less "I want what they have,” and more “them having [insert achievement or new friend here] means that they’re going to leave me because of what I've always feared about myself - I'm not enough/too much/deficient in some way."
And that's why you can't logic your way out of it. Because you're not just dealing with a thought pattern.
You're dealing with a core belief about your own worthiness that was formed before you had the capacity to question it.
The Nervous System of It All
I appreciate your intention to reframe friendship so it doesn't revolve around the "best friend" hierarchy. It’s false and doesn't support healthy relationships.
That said, its important to note what role the hierarchy is playing for your nervous system, which is always concerned with proof of safety or lack thereof.
When you carry an abandonment wound, you constantly scan for evidence of whether or not you're about to be left, and the "best friend" hierarchy becomes the measuring stick.
If you're their best friend, you have proof that you’re safe. But when they become equally close with someone else or a competing priority comes up, the proof is threatened and the fear kicks in.
In that sense, the "best friend" framework is trying to create certainty in relationships.
It's trying to protect you from abandonment by giving you a clear metric for whether or not you're safe.
But the cost of that protection is high because no matter how much your friend prioritizes or loves you, it doesn’t change what you belief about yourself, creating hypervigilence instead of connection.
The work of dissolving that faulty belief and replacing it with the truth of who you are is your work, and nothing a friend can do or say can replace that.
How to Actually Navigate This
You can't just think your way out of jealousy, and you can't shame yourself into being a better friend.
Here's what actually helps:
Take care of yourself first. Name what's happening in your body. When jealousy or competition comes up, notice where you feel it. Tightness in your chest? Nausea? Heat? Maybe your body is sounding the alarm because it thinks you’re in danger? Would a hug, deep breaths, or a walk outside help ground your body into the present moment and remind you that you're safe?
Ask yourself: What do I actually need? Not “how do I stop feeling jealous," but “what's the need underneath the jealousy?" Do you need more quality time with this friend? Do you need reassurance that the friendship matters? Do you need to feel chosen? Get specific. And then ask: How old am I here? Is a younger version of me showing up and looking for these things?
Start giving yourself what you didn't get. Before looking outside of yourself for the needs you identified above, can you resource yourself? How can you give yourself some TLC? Can you be your own cheerleader? Are you making time for yourself before you give it to others? Can you affirm your own worth without needing someone else to rank you first?
**This isn't about becoming self-sufficient to the point where you don't need anyone, interdependence is important. Rather, it's about learning to meet your own foundational needs so that your friendships can be about connection vs dependence.
Reframe the hierarchy entirely. What if friendship isn't a pyramid? What if it's a constellation, different people filling different roles, all of them valuable, none of them in competition? What if your friend having other close friendships doesn't diminish yours, it just means that they have a rich relational life? What if their success isn’t a commentary on your personhood, how would you feel in your relationship?
You don't have to believe this immediately. But you can practice asking: What would it feel like if I stopped ranking? If I stopped measuring? If I let this friendship be enough without needing it to be the most?
The Permission You're Looking For
Here's what I want you to know: You're not broken for feeling jealous. You're not a bad friend for feeling competitive. You're not petty or selfish or immature.
You're human. And you're carrying a wound that makes you believe love is uncertain and you have to fight for your place.
But you don't.
Your friend's success doesn't take anything from you. Their other friendships don't erase the one you have. You're not in competition for a spot that only one person can fill.
You're allowed to want to be important to her. You're allowed to want quality time, closeness, prioritization. Those are normal, healthy desires in friendships.
But the question becomes, can you want those things without it meaning that if you don't get them, you're being replaced? Can you hold your own worth steady even when your friend's attention is elsewhere?
What Comes Next
You asked how to navigate jealousy and competition even when you logically know better. And the answer is: You don't logic your way out of this. You feel your way through it.
You notice the jealousy when it comes up. You get curious about the fear underneath it. You ask what you actually need. You practice giving yourself what you didn't get. You reframe the hierarchy, not by forcing yourself to believe something new, but by experimenting with what it feels like to let go of rank.
And over time - slowly, imperfectly - you start to trust that you don't have to be the most important to be important. That love is reliable. That your place in your friend's life isn't contingent on being better than everyone else.
That’s the work that YOU are worthy of doing.
If you're navigating jealousy, competition, or the fear of losing important friendships, book a consultation call to explore how we can support you in untangling these patterns. We’re also launching a Friendship Breakup Processing Group in February 2026 for women processing friendship loss and grief. Join the waitlist for that here.
As always, if you have a burning question about your relationships and want my two cents on it, share it anonymously here!